Dear Fanfiction writers
by ShedonCooperPhD
Summary: The Harry Potter people are sending us letters of complaints. Laugh at their comments and don't forget to owl them back- I mean review!
1. Harry

**A/N ok so as you read this is a set of letters the cast of Harry Potter to YOU the fanfiction writer.**

**Disclaimer: I (sadly) don't any of the harry potter characters I just imperious them to do my bidding.**

**First up: Harry Potter**

Dear Fanficiton writers,

My name is Harry Potter and I am a subject to all of your fanfictions. While, I love some of your work (romance with Ginny) and everything but please lets be serious. I DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERY ***** CHARACTER!!!

I know what your thinking 'how is that possible? How does he know?' well let me tell you some of them are dreams, no NIGHTMARES but still some of the ones I've seen are ridiculous. Examples:

Me/Draco, Not gay and even if I was MALFOY?? Whille we both have grown up a bit and are no longer mortal enemies, why would I want any romance, or have a crush on MALFOY? Much less a "lemon" but don't get me started on that.

Me/Snape, need I same more? Apperantly so as some of you people don't understand the fact that, while he turned out to be a good guy who actually had a heart he was still a jealous git who thought I was my father and penilized me for it.

Me/VOLDEMORT, ok fess up how many of you were on sugar highs when you wrote theese ones? Me and Voldemort he's old enough to be my father or even grandfather, not that he is, more on that later.

Me/ Hermione, really, I thought we established that I love Hermione like a sister (and besides even if I did there the "Ron" problem.)

Me/VOLDEMORT

Me/ Fleur, you know, not too many complaints on this one *_Ginny hits me in the head_* Okkkayyy I hate this one the most

Me/**VOLDEMORT**

Me/Ron, really? Merlin, he's practically my brother, aand I thought we already established that i'm NOT gay.

Me/Snape, again must I spell it out.

Me/Luna, she's nice and all but I don't like that way, basically the same as Hermione.

Me/Ginny (ow ow just kidding, Gin just kidding. Why are you reading over my shoulder and more importanly why am I writing this instead of tell you...)

and finally

Me/_**VOLDEMORT**_

those are just a few.....

Another thing do you know how annoying it is to have muggle songs from the future in your heads all day making you do crazy things? Seriously yesterday I had this one song in my head and I started contemplating what my life would be like with MALFOY. Some of them are fun but most of them are horrible.

Why are all of you so determined to have me and Malfoy together seriously there are 559 _pages_ of me and Malfoy stuff and 358 are romance (there are only 335 page of Harry/Ginny romances and we are _married_!!) And I'm sure there are more...

Also I'd like to point out that I wasn't (thankfully) abused physically by the Dursleys. Only emotionally and psychologically (wow sounds so much worse on paper) and even if I was (abused that is) I highly doubt I'd be adopted by Snape, of all people, or Mcgonagall and that Dumbledore turns out to be evil.)

Also just for the record, thanks to you, Ginny has broken up with me 423 times and I have preposed 1376 times (guess how many weren't to Ginny)

Finally it's annoying to do the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. How many times can one person play truth or dare and wind up with Malfoy/ Lavender /Pavarti /Hermione /Luna etc. Before they going clinically insane and have to go to St. Mungos?

So keep up the good work, try to stick to cannon (pretty, pretty, please) and get some new ideas. Thank you.

[insert closing line of your choice here]

Parry Otter (Actually it's Harry Potter)

The-chosen-boy-who-lived-to-be-Harry

P.S. Catchy name don't you think?

**A/n Just for the record I am not making fun of any of the shippers who write any of the ships listed above (I like Harmony just to let you all know) this is solely how it think the characters would react if they were to write a letter. The first three numbers are actual facts (as of June 2009) and the other two aren't.**


	2. hermione

**A/N: Here is the **last **character whining about why we are all idiots :P on please enjoy and review they make me happy! Sorry for the big gap between chapters the real world doesn't like me to have free time.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any thing I'm just the delivery dude.**

Dear fanfiction writers,

Hi my name is Hermione . I have some questions about some of the horrific fanfiction you all write. For example people tend to "ship" me a lot and some of those are way out there such as...

Me/ Malfoy (who is the most foul git in the universe)

Me/Snape ( do I even need to say what's wrong with this one, I mean come on Snape is not only old enough to be my father (which he is not but I'll get to that latter) but he is my teacher and he hates me. Also I know Harry said he is actually good but still he is a foul git also. Not to mention the time...

_Um Ron here, Hermione just went into to rant mode so I'll save a few trees and stop her. _

Ronald!

_Sorry good bye._

Anyways were was I? Oh yes

Me/Harry ( really I mean he's my best friend and every thing and I love him but not like that!)

Me/Blaise Zabini (Come on why must I be with a Slytherin? I met Zabini once or twice and while he's not as bad as malfoy he's pretty darn close... prat...)

Me/any other Weasley (When will you get the message Ron and only Ron, also I would just like to say in this I include Ginny I mean really! Also why is that if I'm with a weasley twin it's usually Fred? I don't get it....)

Me/ Lupin or Sirius (old enough to be my fathers.. And they are Harry DAD'S friends honestly..)

Me/Voldemort (really are you sure? I'm confused, That doesn't sound like ANYTHING I would EVER do!)

Me/Gary stu (or what you call OC's) (why? Just why?)

Me/Cormac (Why must I be paired with every single guy ever mentioned in those bloody

books I did it only to make Ron jealous.. Yes I admit It Happy? Good!)

Me/ Dean or Seamus or Neville (again do I need to spell it out

_You are technically_

Shut up Ronald

_Yes dear sorry dear_ any ways I am with Ron not Seamus not Dean and not Neville.)

Also I am NOT a pureblood, half-blood, or a magical creature, (Nor am I a mate to one). I am a muggleborn human. Please learn and except that fact. With that being said contray to popular belif I am NOT Lady Ravenclaw.

Also Dumbledore is not evil. I don't understand why you think that He's human and humans mistakes, his mistakes are just unusually large.

Also Ron has not is not and will not cheat on me, and I will never cheat on him.

So with all due respect most of your fanfiction are horrible please fix them and learn what the word cannon means please!

Sincerely

_The-Girl-Who-Knew-The-Answer. _

Ron...

_sorry_

Hermione Granger

**A/N so what did you think did you like Ron? I'm taking request for characters so review and tell me what you thought I'd love to hear (or read it w/e) what you have to say!**


	3. the list

**Hi people I'm sorry I do not have any good excuses, just plain laziness and computer trouble. But here is the long await return of Dear Fanficion writers. Also Is anyone looking for Beta jjobs for lack of a better word. I changed my operating system to linux and it doesn't offer spell check so I'm hopelessly lost as you will probably notice but anyways on with the story! **

**So Now I would like to introduce the only the only **

***Mystery Voice breaks in* The Devilishly handsome **

**Me: The one that broke out out of azkaban, evaded Aurors made Snape's life hell **

**It again: You know he desevred lt. **

**Me *glares* the one who met their end by drapery... SIRIUS BLACK!!! **

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Let me start off by apologizing for anything I might say to offend you. I know you have fun with theese... ideas but for my sake can I NOT snog Sniviellus at ANY point? Thank you. On that note I have a few concerns about some of the absolute monstrosities you people call Fan-fictions.

Me/Remus: God Don't kill me. I know you guys only rival Harry/Hermione as far as most devote non-cannon shippers, but get over it. Not going to happen. Ever. He's one of my best friends and is head over heals for Nymphadora (Muwha Haha Dora will never know; )] Even if he won't admit it.

Me/Snape; Again he is third of my list of absolute , abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awful, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing,dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, vile, bitchy, creepy, deplorable, detestable, disgusting, execrable, gross, hideous, horrible, invidious, lousy, nasty, nauseating, pesky, pestiferous, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, no good stinky people of all time, and you think we would work as a couple? You people sicken me and are barmy,daft and thick.

Blacksect with me: Honestly I think that all of those should have CRACK FIC in big letters every time it is mentioned. The entire family (minus Andy and Dora) is tied for #2 on my list of absolute , abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awful, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing,dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, vile, bitchy, creepy, deplorable, detestable, disgusting, execrable, gross, hideous, horrible, invidious, lousy, nasty, nauseating, pesky, pestiferous, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, no good stinky people of all time. Merlin, Trixie and Cissy to name a few with, me? I need a barf bag and someone to obliviate me. Yes, its that bad.

Me/OC: This one isn't so bad, there are some really hot birds that end up with me but for the love of Merlin does the person have to be a Slytherin or a friends' Sis? Why You know how I feel about them...

Me/Hermione: Aside from the fact that she is my godSON's best friend she is old enough to be my daughter! (Which she is NOT by the way, Who made up that anyways? Did they have on to many drinks or something I mean really.)

Me/James: God aside from the fact he is... dead, He was in love with Lily and as was she. I what World do you people come from really...

Me/Lily: Same thing

People I am a bachelor and will probably die one too. Being a fugitive on the run does that to you. Now about some of the plot cliches. GET AN ORIGINAL IDEA OR TWO I swear most of the fanfictions are all the same. But I guess its because you really have nothing to go on, I'm only mentioned in context to harry. Also I WILL NEVER BE FRIENDLY WITH SNAPE!!! Deal with it.

If your wondering who is the top of my list of absolute , abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awful, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing,dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, vile, bitchy, creepy, deplorable, detestable, disgusting, execrable, gross, hideous, horrible, invidious, lousy, nasty, nauseating, pesky, pestiferous, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, no good stinky people of all time(man I need to shorten that getting wrist aches just thinking about writing it again) , the answer is Dumbles. He is a no good B*st*rd and deserve to rot in hell. Just kidding the real answer Voldemort, Its his fault that James and Lily are dead, Harry grew up with abusive relatives (Damn Dursleys) Pettigrew went dark, ect..

So please take my opinion into account next time your write a ghastly story like the ones mentioned above.

Just Saying

Sirius Black

(Only person to break out of Azkaban and Handsomest person alive)

** So what do you think? Hey should I do a one shot for Sirius' list? Just an idea. I think up next will be McGonagall, but not sure yet. So remember to review and shower me in glory! (just kidding. Sort of) **

**until next time.**


	4. Minevra

**Okay Hi guys must be nice not having to wait months on end for my stories, right? I changed my pen name if any one cares from On Emmett's team to SheldonCooperPhD (My Idol lol.) (also if anyone cares various Marianas trench (**_**Awesome**_** band check it out!!) songs have been stuck in my head for a week! I've memorized half their songs!) Okay guys I have a problem and you can help me. I NEED A BETA-READER my grammar and spelling skills are not the greatest so if you or your beta-reader is accepting stories I'd love to have you. (PM me for more info.) Also I would just like to comment that I do enjoy some of the pairings/plotlines being denounced and these are what would be each of the characters' perspective. Anyways on with the fanfiction. **

** Disclaimer: Sorry Harry Potter (and the money and fame) all belong to the accomplished Ms. Rowling and not your'e average Jane me. **

Dear Fan fiction Writers,

While most of you would hope that this is an acceptance letter to Hogwarts, I am sorry to say that this is not the case. No this letter is to reconize and correct some of the deplorable fanfictions out that concerning me. One of the major things out there is some of the pairing that involve me.

Me/Albus: You "shippers" are probably one of the biggest groups in your world and, while I will admit that according to you this could have been "cannon" if not for the fact that when he had been teaching for a while I was a school girl and any relationship between us would be wrong. Another point is that he was infact a homosexual.

Me/Severus: Like wise when I had been a teacher Severus was still a school boy. Whenever I talk to him I still think of the first year scribbling potion ideas in his transfiguration notebook. To me any inmate relationship with him would be almost pedophila in my eyes.

Me/Ms. Granger: This one I found to be increasingly popular and cannot seem to wrap my wand around it. This is essentially what I have stated before but only worse bcause of the fact she could be my granddaughter and she is a female like myself.

Me/Tom(Voldemort): I know that we went to school together but we were enemies, much l ike Mr. Potter and (they are NOT a couple just let you know beleive me, once instead of a transfiguration essay I receieved a 3ft long rant on why him and Mr. Malfoy are not a couple.) We detested each other with a passion and it only increased when Hagrid got expelled when it should have been him.

Thankfully, for you I will not divudge further, into my complaints about more minor couples that appear on that horrrible site.

Another thing I would like to adress is the deplorable grammar and spelling errors on some of the stories. Being a professor it makes me cringe when such simple mistakes as not capitilazing I's when refering to ones self or when you mean definatly and write defianlty. Mistakes such as imporper uses of subjuctive mood can be forgiven, however. Also because I am a professer I would also like to encourage that you follow the site's regualtions on what may or may not be allowed on the site in a Fan fiction

Another thing I would like to adress is some of the plots you people like to put me in. One of the more common theories is that I will regconize the (imaginary, I checked) abuse that Mr. Potter has though and adopt him to ensure that Dumbledore won't send him back because that is the kind of gentleman he is. One more popular theory is that I am actually Lily Evans (Potter's) mother, making me Mr. Potter's grandmother and am also an heir of ravenclaw thus making young Harry a founders heir. This is of course false as Mrs. Potter was infact a muggleborn.

Another minor thing which while it self doesn't bother me I would still like to correct, me giving animagus lessons, I actually did try it in the school in 1972 (Where do you think Mr. Potter and got the idea from?) open to anyone of the age of majority and it was such a disaster when one hufflepuff got stuck half-way though the transformation that St. Mungos had to be called. I shut down the club and vowed never to do it again.

There is one theory out there that has a grain of truth and that would a certain animosity between me and Prof. Slughorn. While exagerated (to the proportion of dislike between me and Umbridge) he is certainly not one of my favourite people in the world.

Speaking of Umbridge some of the fan fictions out there or some of the only ones I will tolorate, provided they are well writtten, because they are what I wish I could do if I could have gotten away with it. For that I thank you for the pleasant dreams.

So in conclusion I would like to propose a deal. If all of you keep your fan fictions concerning me "cannon" and improve your writing skill then I will send all of you authentic Hogwarts admission letters that while will not premet you to go to Hogwarts it will be personnalized.

Until next time,

Minerva Mcgonagall,

Headmistress if Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, order of Merlin Second Class ect.

**So, What do you think? Also while I'm thinking about it I have posted the one-shot for Sirius' list and you can check it out. Also Check out my poll (nothing important just random but I'm wondering) And Don't for get to REVIEW like your life DEPENDED ON IT. (cause it does. Just Kidding (Maybe.)) Until Next Time.**


	5. Ginny

**PLEASE READ THIS AUTHOR NOTE. IMPORTANT!! **

** Hi, guys whats up? I know I have said this in the last two chapters but I NEED A BETA-READER I'm not the greatest at grammar and spelling (making part of McGonagall's letter seem rather hypocritical) and I would love to have someone proof-read my stories, preferably someone who is familiar with my writing style. Also I rewrote the first chapter so hopefully it's better (if anyone has read both versions can you tell me how much of an improvement it is, I would love to know!) Also, I am taking requests for people because frankly after this I'm starting to run out of ideas and I want to put people you would read! Also if you didn't see it last time- I made a one-shot for Sirius' List so check it out! Enough of me rambling on with the story! **

** Disclaimer: Sadly this wonderful cast of characters do not belong to me, as I am just their sectary, typing the letters. **

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Hi, my name is Ginny and after seeing Harry write a letter to you I thought that I would try a hand at it too. While I do enjoy some of the fan fictions, I would just like to correct some of the mistakes you make that give me more nightmares than the Chamber of Secret Incident (though some stories categorize under both.) One of the more major things would be the pairings;

Me/Malfoy, I honestly cannot comprehend this pair and why it is so popular I have only talked to Malfoy a handful of times and they all ended with him insulting me in one way or another. If you are going for that muggle romance, Romeo and Juliet style, where the parents disapprove and they have to keep it a secret then you are out of your mind! Hermione lent me the book and need I remind you how it ends?

Me/Voldemort, I don't get this one at all, I am TRAUMATIZED by the entire incident, not falling in love with the..CREATURE who possessed me! Also for the people who theorized that because of the incident that Voldemort had a fascination with me then let me remind you that Riddle was 16 and a memory so therefor would have not had any contact with current Voldemort.

Me/Neville, Neville is a great guy, don't get me wrong, and yes we did go to the Yule Ball together, but that was only because I would't have been able to go otherwise and Neville confessed that he only asked me because he was too shy to ask anyone he didn't already know (we talked before and I was Ron's little sister) and Hermione already said no. Our relationship is no more than friendly. Just a random side note why is this pair usually a side pairing with Harry/Hermione as the main pairing?

Me/Zambini, I only knew this guy from the slug club and while he wasn't't a foul mouth git like Malfoy, he was still very arrogant and rude to 'Mione and myself.

Me/incest EwEwEwEwEwEwEwEwEwEw EwEwEwEwEwEwEwEwEwEw. Disgusting!!!! Words fail me on how wrong and gross it is.

Me/Dean, I went out with him in an attempt to forget about Harry, who would have never felt the same way and I wasn't planning on making any long term plans around him! He was way too pushy and old fashioned. Not something a girl with 6 older brothers appreciates let me tell you. (Or better yet, let HIM tell you.)

Me/Hermione, She's my brother's girlfriend,(or will be, they've danced around each other for too long.) We are like sisters, and I am not a lesbian! (Not that there is anything wrong with them of course, but I'm strait.)

Also another thing, why do you make me out to be a Mary Sue? I know I hero-worshipped Harry at first but once I got to know him better in my third year the hero-worship changed to a crush of Harry the person not the Boy-Who-Lived. I was lucky enough that he felt the same way.

On that note why do you think am I such a jealous prat that it would put Ron to shame? I do have self-control you know, if Harry didn't like me that way, dumped me, and then dated someone else, yes, I would be sad and angry, but I think I would have the self-control to not curse his girlfriend with a dark curse (Bat bogeys for the both of the though) and I definitely would not put love potions into his drink (while Ron does the same with Hermione) in some twisted scheme where Dumbledore has payed us to befriend the Boy-Who-Lived and promised us Harry and Hermione respectively, so he can use Harry as weapon in the war. It's just wrong and I am deeply offended.

Just out of curiosity why is almost everyone I'm usually paired with people in Ron,Harry and Hermione's year, and is either a Gryffindor or a Slytherin? It is sort of makes me seem like a tag-along with no friends in my year. (Though actually not that many are friends with be because of first year, but I do still have friends like Colin and Luna.) Also why the two extremes as far as houses? Are the 'Puffs and 'Claws too weak to handle the 'high-matenince, short temper, six brothered, all-mighty Ginny Weasley?' (Harry's exact wording not mine.)

I guess that's all for now, I hope to sleep more peacefully knowing that I've tried and you all sleep fitfully know that you have given me life scarring nightmares. Stick to cannon or I'll curse you all!

Remember This,

Ginny Weasley soon to be Potter.

[insert awards won here]

P.S. However, the more Harry/Ginny romance the better ;)

** What do you think? Loved it , Hated it, Currently building a shrine to it? Let me know! Up next will be Fred and George but I'm wondering if they should be done together or have separate letters (George's would be post war if apart.) Let me know! Until next time.**


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